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April 2017, I was in the midst of a legal battle and I wondered if it ever would end. I asked my family lawyer what the possible time frame was for these things to reach settlement.  I was already 5 months in. On average, 7-8 months she said. I was hopeful for the end of the year, surely 12 months should be doable.

For all my prayers and gratitude, the days were sad and difficult but I was determined to be as bright as I could be. I worked hard to keep my eyes forward and my heart full of hope. For years I had wanted some photos with me and my horses. I decided it was time, because maybe time here in our home was running out I thought. I couldn’t afford to keep this place on my own. I gave up my career to build our business together and that was gone now too. I didn’t know now where I was going to end up or even if I would end up with my beloved horses.

I was in absolute emotional bits the night before the photos with my horses were taken (these are the ones you see mostly on my site at the moment). Tears and anxiety about doing such a thing when I felt so shit in my situation. I felt utterly ridiculous about being in front of a camera. What a wanker I am for doing this I thought to myself. Silently crying into the night about where I was at in my life and yet, this was something I really wanted to do and needed to capture for myself. 

So shit, here I was again. An emotional blubbering mess facing the fact that the only way through was through and the only person who could do it was me. It’s just some photos you might think but it was significantly massive for me – marking a very special moment in time, with my four legged loves, at my beloved home that I was bound to lose and at a time when my heart was pouring over constantly with grief and sadness.

The morning my beautiful photographer girlfriend arrived at my place, I briefed her on my story from my heart. The simple version. I wanted her to know how vulnerable I felt that day and why. She is not only a photographer, but a teacher from our school and a beautiful mum to my children’s friends. I had gradually gotten to know her over the last 4 years of us being here, I felt close to her but this was the first time she knew of any trouble in my marriage. I think I shocked her with my confession of where I really was at and what was going on for me. My openness and sharing shocked me too. This was the first person outside of my immediate and close circle that knew of my real situation, of which and at the time,  I was already 3 years into.

I suppose I was beginning to feel like I needed to start finding my voice again. That I needed to gently speak up about how it really was for me. After all, I had been vastly private about my grief and loss for the last 3 years, just trying to be brave and have courage as I navigated through for my kiddies.  I suppose in all my love for privacy, I also wanted to be real and true to who and how I was. I also wanted to protect my people. I knew this would take time, that this was just a baby step, but it was another beginning for me.

I love my horses. I am sure you have gathered that from seeing some of the photos here on my site! When I look at the capture of these photos now, I recognise how important my horses have been in my healing and in my children’s healing. These photos fill me with great joy now because they grabbed a moment in time that I am proud that I conquered. And to be able to share them here with you is even a greater blessing for me. Blessed also that my horses are still with us. H xx